Christine, Party of One

What it’s like living the life of a woman who is perpetually single, attracts absurdity and has an abundance of cats.

What if I wasn’t a humor blogger?

The downside of being a humor blogger is that the material sometimes runs dry. It’s not like my topics are always ripped from the headlines and there are only so many jokes I can make about my love life (or lack thereof) before I get super depressed and get me to a nunnery.

On days like this when the humor well is running low I wonder what else I could blog about. Female bloggers tend to stick to the same subjects so I put my feet in their shoes and imagined what it would be like. (be like….be like…be like….)

Transition

 

The Non-Fashionista (Fashion): The Non-Fashionista blog would be about shopping for clothes only when you have to and how to make a shoe last beyond its prime. (Hint: black sharpie will hide scuff marks on your work flats). As opposed to focusing on this year’s trends, I would share how I still rock my red flannel from the mid-90’s and about the size 6 dress in my closet that I will never fit in it again, but can’t get rid of. (I call it closet art). I searched for existing blogs to fit my idea and found NonFashionista. The title is right on, but still not quite what I meant. Locally I’ll leave the fashion talk to the Misadventures of Victoria Wannabe Beckham who loves clothes and who keeps threatening to take me shopping. (Good luck with that, chica!)

Actual fashion choice or a joke? I'll never tell

Actual fashion choice or a joke? I’ll never tell

 

The Really Lazy Cook (Cooking): Some people can go in the kitchen and whip up culinary magic. I am generally capable of following recipes if they are easy and involve less than 10 steps and ingredients (including spices). I have made lazy grilled cheese, lazy burritos (meat & vegetarian), know a million lazy ways to make chicken and lazy dessert (ice cream). Food.com is my best friend when it comes to finding new recipes to try because actual cookbooks and cooking bloggers are way too complicated for me. If prep is more than 10 minutes (including chopping vegetables), then I’m probably not going to make it. The good news is that there are tons of ways to make healthy (or nearly healthy) meals and if you live alone like me, it’ll feed you for days. The bad news is that I only have about 10 recipes in rotation so I’d run out of post ideas quickly. Instead I just look at Tiny Taster’s pretty pictures and imagine that I’ll win the lottery and hire her as my personal chef someday.

But I do make some yummy sammiches

But I can make some yummy sammiches

 

Stop Talking about Your Kids (Parenting): Moms are nearly as annoying to talk to as cat owners and humor bloggers. All they want to talk about is their kids. How cute they are, what their poop looked like, what foot and mouth disease is, what it looks like, how hard it is to balance work and life and parenting, but it’s so rewarding and there’s nothing better in the world and I WILL UNDERSTAND WHEN I’M A MOM. Oh my Gawd, shut up!! A) Mommies should only talk to other mommies about their children, B) if I ask you how your kid is, I do NOT want to hear about illness, tantrums, or the drama you’re having with other mommies, and C) you just admitted that I don’t know what it’s like being a Mom and honestly you’re not selling me on the idea when you talk about their explosive diarrhea that seeped through their clothes. I’m not entirely sure how I’d work this into a regular blog, but trust me when I say I have plenty of “not a Mom” stories to share. But in case you’re into that sort of thing, here are The Top 25 Mommy Bloggers.

Yes I know. Now STFU!!!

I know, now STFU!!!

 

Crafting, and Other Things on Pinterest Challenge (Arts & Crafts): They say you can find a lot of things on Pinterest, but based on Facebook posts, it’s all crafting all the time. (Unless it’s interior design or weddings) My art has always been writing. I have a creative mind, but my hands stubbornly refuse to follow instructions. This blog would be full of hilarious crafting attempts and failures. Fortunately there are sites that exist for people who actually want to see a nice finished product (and some ideas seem easy enough even for me!) like The Crafting Chicks.

 

You’re Using “Your” Wrong (Grammar): Every day I see “your” instead of “you’re” and it drives me a little nuts every time. Each post would highlight at least one of these cases and grammar shame some hapless doofus. I would offer helpful suggestions like “use U R instead of your because even though it’s lazy, it’s at least almost right.” Copyblogger.com covers lots of grammatical issues, but I’d like to focus solely on the you’re/your goof. And I guarantee I’ll never run out of material.

You're Welcome

 

 Don’t Ask Me, I’m Not a Doctor (Health & Wellness):  We’ve all used the internet to search for our symptoms and try to self-diagnose. We’re usually incorrect. You know who is great for medical advice? Your doctor. Go ask him because despite what WebMD says, it’s probably not cancer.

 

*Still not a doctor

*Still not a doctor

Tell Me All about Your Petty Problems (Advice): One universal truth about advice is that people who seek it rarely follow it. But by all means, write to me about how your husband doesn’t appreciate the Kegel exercises you’ve done. Each bit of advice will also include a “here’s some perspective” with facts about people who have it worse than you. “The efforts you’ve taken to satisfy your husband  in the bedroom are commendable. Maybe you should focus less on how his response makes you feel and focus more on how lucky you are not to live in a culture that subjects its females to genital mutilation. Then wait until he goes to play golf and get in a little “me” time in the bedroom. Good luck!” But you should just send your questions to Dear Mary.

 Advice

 

Politics, Schmolitics, I’m Here for the Comments (Politics): I am pretty good at keeping up with current events and like most people I end up expressing my opinion about them. And like most people I end up getting told I’m wrong, ignorant and stupid. Comments on political blogs make me laugh because instead of providing a thought-out critique to the subject, I see a lot of buzzwords like “racist” or “liberal” or “teabagger” or “Hitler”. And anyone who dares to leave a reasonable comment is told to “get out of here, ya dumb hippie!” because the comments section of political blogs have been claimed by trolls. So I think I’ll leave that sort of topic to people who love politics way more than me, such as the Jason Henry Project and the other hypeorlando political bloggers.

 

Cars Go Vroom and I’m Rooting for the Home Team (Manly men): Guys like cars and sports and sports cars. Guys like a lot of junk that I don’t give a crap about. But I could totally make that my brand “I hate this junk, but I’m going to talk about it anyway.” Shockingly I couldn’t find a blog that tackles this hot topic.

 

Transition2

 

And we’re back!

As you can see I made the right choice. Humor is fun and silly and random, just like me. So yeah, I think I’ll stick with jokes and cats and dating fails. Aren’t you delighted to hear that?

Cat? Check. Humor? Check. My work here is done

Cat? Check. Humor? Check. My work here is done

 

Thanks for reading!

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8 Comments

  1. Wow so shocked the guys are not knocking down your door to date you with all these fine qualities.

    Reply
    • Psst, Apu, all your comments sound the same. If you’re going to be a troll, at least put in some effort. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
      • It’s called consistency, just like your posts are nothing but “woe is me, I cant get a date and I have hundreds of stories of make believe guys clumsily trying to pick me up”

        Well my advice to you is consistent and you should be thanking me for it, or you could just write to that other weird blogger that writes fake advice letters to herself.

        Reply
        • You sure seem nicer on TV. I always thank you for reading my posts, but your “advice” is voided by your unpleasant manner of delivery. Thank you, come again!

          Reply
  2. I can’t believe you STILL haven’t gotten rid of that damn flannel shirt!!

    Reply
    • You hush up and buy more socks, ya hoarder

      Reply
    • Also I thought for sure out of everybody, you’d be on board with the “Stop talking about your kids!” blog idea. :)

      Reply
      • Of course I am!! I totally can’t hear about baby poop any more in my life!! I thought I got away from it when I moved but now everyone up here is having babies…..lord help me!

        Reply

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